When you and your partner grow at different rates
Scott & I on our wedding day
This was written late August 2018 before our 1 year wedding anniversary
The amount of change that happens in 1 year is stunning.
And something I'm learning is this... in partnership, it's inevitable that we'll grow at different rates.
One year, I'll discover a new work passion, while my husband assimilates last year's learnings. Another year, he'll make huge leaps in his relationship to money, while I turtle-step my way to looking at it.
We're moving at different paces, always, because we're different people.
And this can be hard.
The fear I've had underneath this whole grow-at-your-own-pace thing is losing our partnership.
Losing the person who means the most to me because I've grown too much, or he's grown too much.
This, I'm sure, is something many people fear. It holds people back from doing their work, shining as bright as they can, because "what if my partner can't meet me there?"
Yes, what if they can't?
"I'll be alone."
The two of us, many many years ago
That's the thought. That's the terrifying thought that keeps us from growing.
So, OF COURSE, we try to control. We share all we can with our partners about what we're learning, and WHY THEY NEED TO DO IT TOO, so they can grow right alongside us, at the same pace, so we won't be alone.
... I'm sure you're not surprised to know that this doesn't exactly work the way we want it to.
As we force growth and judgement upon our partners, we unsurprisingly push them away. We make that scary thought ("I'll be alone") MORE likely to happen.
So what do we do??
Ultimately, we want the best for our partners.
Yet, the best isn't knowing what is best for them.
The best is not forcing them to learn at your speed.
The best is not judging them for choosing a different path than you.
Rather, the best could be:
💛 Giving them the support they ASK for, NOT the support you think they need.
💛 Meeting them where THEY'RE at, NOT where you are.
THIS IS HARD WORK PEOPLE!
Lemme tell ya. Supporting our partners in the ways they request can be difficult, especially when your brain has endless ideas of solutions to their "problem", none of which they're requesting.
But it's so worth it. It's giving power to your partner, trusting him/her/them in knowing what they need, what pace is right for them.
And it feels good to see them soar by trusting themselves ❤️